The Art of Healing From Within!
Self-Esteem
Fool me once, Fool me twice!
Have you heard the saying “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me?” Our society tends to place a lot of individual responsibility on people to care for and protect themselves, but it implies we live in a vacuum where it’s easy to know when we’re being manipulated if we’ve been through something before and are going through it again. It is true that sometimes we can grow and learn from experiences and use that knowledge in similar situations for the future. When it comes to abuse though, “similar situation” doesn’t always apply. Abuse doesn’t look the same in every relationship, and each abusive partner is different. Abusers tend to be very manipulative, and that includes tailoring some of their controlling tactics to what they believe will most effectively give them power over their current partner. It’s neither fair nor realistic to expect survivors to identify abuse or red flags when abuse can look radically different from relationship to relationship.
How did this happen again?
The time following an abusive relationship is often confusing and complicated for survivors. If a survivor has been in more than one abusive relationship, healing can feel even more challenging. We often hear questions like, “How do I keep getting into these situations?” or “What is it about me that attracts abusive partners?” These feelings of self-blame or guilt are normal, and if you’re experiencing them, you’re not alone. However, you definitely don’t deserve to feel this way, because abuse is never the survivor’s fault or even caused by the survivor at all.
Am I The Blame?
The dominant narrative would have survivors and those supporting survivors believe it’s the survivor’s job to protect themselves and that it’s easy to do so. Neither are true. Given all these complicated factors, no one can realistically be expected to see the warning signs every time, think entirely clearly, and always make decisions that prioritize their well-being in the midst of a confusing situation. Abuse is always a choice the abusive partner makes, and never something a survivor should blame themselves for.